Little did I know that 18 months later I would end up at the ANU to "find" myself - which resulted in me losing myself - and then 12/13 years later finding myself all over again by almost losing myself completely....
I still have a long way to go and some crucial heart-rending journeys to make in the areas of faith and self-esteem, but Canberra has been the making of me, then my un-doing and now, once more, my making.
And so it is natural to ask "when do I go back to Canberra?" but pitched against this wooing, attractive question, I find another deeper question tugging at my heart strings just as strongly, "so I really have to leave all that I love behind?"
When my marriage started to come apart at the seams four years ago, Steve and I decided to go home - to my home - to Nowra. My family and our friends. As we struggled to hold it together for another 12 months, those whom I held dear, held me. When my world fell apart and my lifeblood, my kids moved to the other side of the state, those same beautiful people helped to put me back together. And when my husband of almost 10 years finally decided that he had nothing left to work with, and divorced me, these angel held me together.
Death's foul stench filled the air, filled my world and finally filled my soul.My life had become a series of morbid milestones - "6 weeks since my last OD" - "that's 2 weeks better than my last one". In the same way that an alcoholic celebrated sobriety, I celebrated surviving - not living - just hanging on by the skin of my teeth.
Somewhere during that 3-4 years of struggle Isaiah 54:5 was given to me and a new journey began.
"For your Maker is your husband—
the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth."
While I was not a widow in the most formal sense of the word, I was exactly that and I began to learn what it meant to allow God to be my friend, to provide for me, to hold me through the dark times - all things that I had expected from Steve all those years - which he did provide - in part - but could not handle to loving me i the way that I was learning God could.
After a while I stopped observing milestones and only noticed them when I once again slipped. But each time I did, it was further away from my last attempt.
Today, I am proud (and very much relieved) to say that it has now been over a year since my last (AND FINAL!) attempt!
Despite the recent Christmas crazies, each day I am walking in ever-increasing freedom and discovering life, love and other beautiful things. I am finding peace, joy and contentment (slowly though!) and now I can finally say:
I AM LIVING!!!
But what of this lens? Well, I think that it is time to take the glasses off and look at this picture with new eyes. Canberra today is not the Canberra of 1996 and 1997. I have grown and changed and so have the people I knew then. My friendships (well some of them) remain, but the pace of life has changed. It is now no longer about hanging out and having fun - it is about work, paying bills and breathing where you get the chance. I thought that I wanted that. But I don't. I had always thought that I would only ever be a part-time worker....so if I am in Canberra what happens when I am not working? Especially when all my friends are?
My mum once said that if you could count 5 good friends on your hand then you are truly blessed. In Canberra, I can only count four. And as much as these four people love me dearly - they may not have the time for me when I need someone... life is busy. It is nobody's fault. It is just how it is. Canberra would be a lonely solution.
In Nowra, I CAN count 5 people who love me dearly - outside of my family as well! People who can and do make the time - and have done so right from the very start. I have a place in my church. A place at home. Quite possibly even a place in the community. I belong here. And I find peace here too. There is much to be said for the business and bustle of a city - and it is something that I really don't need to be feeding my vulnerable mind with. Here - I can go outside on a warm night and listen to the crickets, the frogs and the cows. I can breathe in deeply... I can take the time to continue this journey of health and simplicity.
I need to put some things in place so that I don't get bored. I need to make sure that I don't flit off into the realms of what could-have-been or what-still-could-be....
But I guess that is the lesson of contentment. Whether in want or in plenty.
I remember going to an ISCF conference as a teenager. Someone had written a theme song for the week - the chorus still sticks with me:
Go make a difference
Shine your light in the world
Go to a people in darkness
And let the truth be unfurled
Bloom where you're planted
Rescue my sheep gone astray
Take hold of my hand and together we'll stand
And we'll go make a difference today.
While today I debate the theology in rescuing the sheep that Jesus was always credited with rescuing in the Bible - there is one line that rings true. BLOOM WHERE YOU'RE PLANTED.
I have been planted here. Maybe Canberra was necessary. It was a catalyst for many things and some of those realities will take years for me to sift through. But I need to learn to walk now... I have been crawling for a while and now it is time to take those first few tottering steps to independence. When do I go back to Canberra? Well, as an old friend once said - "If you ever wonder where you should be, just keep doing what you've been told to until you're told to do something else".
What am I to do?
BLOOM WHERE YOU'RE PLANTED
