During one of my breaks I went for a walk - I LOVE walking around my new neighbourhood... so many pretty houses, gardens and trees! While I walked, I listened to WOW Hits 2010 on my iphone - a newish download that I haven't had a chance to give much airtime to. Oh my goodness! It is FULL of fantastic new Christian music by some of my favourite artists.... One of them - Sanctus Real.... I love them because they are REAL in their music - no fluff, no imagery or metaphors - just raw humanity. I fell in love with I'm Not Alright years ago and on WOW Hits 2010, they have another FANTASTIC song which really spoke of where I have been and am coming to in the past twelve months or so:
Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly)
Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly)
SANCTUS REAL
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender
(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...
(Chorus)
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly
It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
I have had a rocky ride this year - and I honestly think that the only reason that I haven't rocked right off the planet is because I gave my life to Jesus in December of last year.... He has been my strength and my solid rock that I have clung to in the ups and downs of this past year's journey.
One of the things that I had to come to terms with in the PECC unit this week was that my interpersonal relational skills are different to most people's and it is an area in my life that I have to work through, with the support of safe, loving family and friends. Its not that I am bad, or horrible, or bent on destruction of relationships. The reality is, I say one thing when I am feeling something entirely different. Which comes from being put on the spot and not actually knowing what I want until after I have committed to something. I have always played roles - one of the reasons I have loved being a performer in the theatre. The past few years, I have been suffering from an identity crisis of sorts as the things I had defined myself as were stripped away and I was left looking into myself and wondering if I even existed. And I think this is the core issue that has fuelled my depression.
My decision to come to Jesus and admit how flawed and hurtful I had been, not only to all of my family and friends but to God Himself, radically changed my perspective. I had a new identity. One that I had never understood before although I had always grown up in the church. I was a child of God. I was Jesus's sister. I had the Holy Spirit as my guide and counsellor. Admittedly, not long after, things got a little weird when I dropped my meds and moved into a psychotic phase of my illness, but once those issues were once more stabilised, I have spent this year sorting through the messes I have been creating for the past 33 years of my life and discovering freedom and a deeper relationship with God (or Papa, as I have called Him in my more looney moments!).
But being a child of God didn't define me. My core identity is in Him, but who I choose to be, which roles I choose to play, how I define myself, is, I am ultimately discovering, MY CHOICE. I don't have to live up to others expectations if I don't share them. I don't have to meet everyone's needs. I am allowed to have personal boundaries and I am allowed to live my life in a way that brings me joy...... THESE are the freedoms I am discovering in Christ as I learn how to understand that in light of my illnesses.
So - as several people have said to me over the past few days: "Today is the first day of the rest of my life"...
Which brings me to the title of my post and another FANTASTIC song from the WOW 2010 album - Francesca Battistelli's Free To Be Me:
Free To Be Me
Free To Be Me
Free To Be Me
Francesca Battistelli
At twenty years of age
I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can't always see
'Cause I got a couple dents in my Fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own, I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
When I was just a girl
I thought I had it figured out
See my life would turn out right
And I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt, oh
'Cause I got a couple dents in my Fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own, I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me and You're free to be You
Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think
I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek, oh
And it's easy to believe even though
'Cause I got a couple dents in my Fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own, I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I got a couple dents in my Fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own, I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me and You're free to be You
I know that I am not quite 20 anymore, but in some ways I feel it - like my personal growth was halted at the point of my abortion....
SO its time to rediscover 'cause
I'M FREE TO BE ME!
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