The Here and Now

One of the things that I have discovered that characterises schizophrenic-type thinking is an inability to live in the present - to always be living like the future is now and while I am not living in a delusion anymore - not making decisions and living like what I want in the future I can actually will into reality, I am also not living for now. The one thing that has consumed me for the past month, since coming home and going back on meds has been - "What will I do next year? TAFE or uni? Early childhood, nursing, midwifery, library studies, arts, ministry, literature, psychology, medicine?????

I have dreams that I would like to work towards, but the detailed planning that I have gone into for things I'd like to achieve 5, 10, 20 years down the track is absolutely mind-boggling. And then the path of academia that  have plotted for myself has most people exhausted just hearing about it. And this is what has consumed me for the past few months - moreso in the past month.

There are a few things however that I WOULD like to do for MYSELF: sing, read, write, work.

Singing? I will get onto it after the kids visit in July and I have a little bit of spare cash available to me for buying music etc. My AMus in Voice will probably be pushed until next year due to finances and time but that's OK. The Eisteddfod for next year - I missed the cut-off for this year - will be a great testing ground for that.

Reading? I need to make more of a priority in my life as I seek to learn more about life in general (and escape from life in general!!!)

Writing? Again, I need to make more of a commitment to this because maybe in all of the "possibilities" running around in my head, perhaps in crafting them into words of fiction and fact, they will leave my head alone!!!

Work? Well, I am signed up with Essential Personnel and I have another appointment next week -so we'll see what comes of that...

And of course, in working there is freedom financially. Once my debts are paid off, I can get my own place, get a car, get a piano..

So for now, I am going to deal with the here and now. The future can stay where it is. I know where my dreams are - I know how to get there - but unless the doors open up, I am not pushing anymore. I will walk away from academia for now and just deal with what's in front of me because if I can build a world that brings me a sense of accomplishment as I get into my car at the end of the working day so that I can go home to my own place to play my piano and sing - Yep. That's what I want

Some perspective

Its amazing what a couple of weeks of thought on an anti-psychotic can do.

I have come to realise that while the last four months have been a period of accelerated learning about myself, it has also been a period of mania and possibly also mixed mood.

I don't know if it has been Bipolar, Schizoaffective, Schizotypal disorder or Schizophrenoform. It could be a simple as Bipolar 1 cormobid with BPD. I don't know that I fit neatly into any of the diagnostic criteria. And it really doesn't matter to me.

Who I am, where I have been and where I am going, is all that matters to me now and what I DO have coming out of it all is drive. Something that I have been missing since my late teens. The ability to make myself move forward rather than being weighed down by depression and circumstance. I still want to do all of the same things that I wanted to do two weeks ago when I presented to Calvary hospital for the umpteenth time!

I still want to go back to uni and study. I still want to work with kids and families in developing healthy, wholistic family relationships and individuals. I still want to start an all-inclusive, allergen-free preschool. I still want to start an organisation that lobbies and advocates for equal pay and standards for self-employed nannies. I still want to work in social policy in an attempt to restructure our medical system effectively - especially in the area of mental health. And I still want to sing...

None of it is urgent though. None of it has to be done tomorrow - and this is where I was coming undone - I thought that I would be able to achieve all of that in the space of five years and have been awarded 8 academic degrees in the space of 10 (at varying levels of study) - and that is impossible (even for the brightest sparks!).

I want to apologise to all of you who struggled to know what to do with me in the past few months or so. I did not see that I was unwell because my mania seemed normal to me - and I WAS sleeping mostly! I have never been manic before (at least not that I know of) and so that everything fit neatly into place and that everything had an answer and could be deciphered by logic seemed perfectly normal to me. But that brought me to a place where my brain never shut down - maybe that is why I slept - because my brain needed me to shut down occasionally...

Hindsight is a brilliant thing - it gives us perspective.

What am I going to do with that perspective? I am going to use it as a yardstick. Now I know what mania is like, I can be better equipped to know when I am getting out of kilter. When everything makes so much sense that it looks like there is too much sense - then I will know that it is time to talk to someone. When God reveals something to me and then tells me not to tell anyone else because they will not understand - then I will talk to someone. When I start thinking that I am going to become one of the world's most influential people - then I will talk to someone.

And until then - I am just going to live my life out in this quiet little country town. I want to go back to Canberra but I am still not 100% sure on that one - living away from my family and in a big city - it may be too much for me. But then again, it might be as Rob suggested - that I need to build up my emotional muscles first. I don't know....

But for now the plan is simple: Sleep, walk, knit, write, talk, listen, play, study, work, pray.

Simplicity, wisdom, integrity, surrender.

Love you all

--

Simply Fi

Mixed Feelings

I saw my GP today who reiterated his opinion from last week which was that I would probably always need medication.

I don't know that I agree.

Yes, the last four months or so have been a rollercoaster and my responses to it have been a little loopy and unstable but so are my ways of coping with the world. The psychological term for it is maladaptive and the beauty of identifying maladaptive coping mechanisms and behavioural responses is that they can be corrected and more adaptive choices, decisions and responses can be learned.

Signing 24 month contracts for phones for each of the kids so that they could call me whenever they liked without first talking it over with Steve and then finding out once the contracts were signed that Steve would not allow the kids to have the phones.

Not maladaptive. But not well thought through

After missing several buses - causing me to take one day off work and being late for work on a second day, I borrowed money from a lender who charged a motza in interest and bought a bomb for $200 down from $600, thinking that I would do it up and have a reliable little car. After not heeding my mechanic-brother's advice, it subsequently died on me and needed more work put into it immediately that I had (in fact, I had to sell it to a scrap-metal place just to pay the towing bill).

Not maladaptive. But not all that smart either

I went to my GP with lump on my breast which he put down to mastitis and decided to check for poly-cystic ovarian syndrome... but it sparked in my head a concern for my children and caused me to question why I had decided to move to Canberra in the first place and not closer to my babies who were desperately missing their mum.

Not maladaptive on its own. But certainly emotionally driven.

Caleb and Hannah confiding in me certain things and based on my history with Steve panicking and removing them from what I believed to be a potentially dangerous situation.

Not maladaptive on its own. But certainly impulsive.

Finding myself stranded in Tamworth, having to advance half of my fortnightly Centrelink income to pay for the motel that I had taken the kids to and stayed in, and having to seek out accomodation which Lyn and Paul graciously offered me when I found myself in dire straights because I made financial committments based on a txt conversation I had with my client who then did not pay her account when she said she would.

Not maladaptive on its own. But certainly naieve

Finding out that I had racked up $2000 worth of calls between the four phones that I had in my possession whilst stranded in Tamworth for 10 days or so - and then having to agree to much higher phone plans in order to get Telstra to wipe the debt.

Not maladaptive on its own. But certainly financially daft.

Receiving a series of phone calls at 5am in the morning from a drunken, distressed woman calling my house to ask why her partner is cheating on her and becoming involved thinking that I had to somehow "rescue" her.

Not maladaptive on its own. But certainly making myself vulnerable.

Unwittingly becoming my flat-mate's counsellor because she needed a safe friend to talk things through with.

Not maladaptive on its own. But again making myself vulnerable.

There are so many things that have happened in the past four months (I can list more) that each, on its own, is no real biggie - but given that all of these things happened together in such a small space of time leave me wondering - is it really me that is unstable or is it that sometimes this is what life is...

Whether its my own chemical instability that is now being covered by these meds or whether I just need to learn how to financially manage my affairs, steer away from sole trading roles, wise up, plan my travel better, trust Steve more and set up better boundaries for myself (adaptive strategies) I really don't know - but I DO tend to lean towards the latter.

The delusions? They all stem from the Christmas/New Year period where I was hearing the "voice of God" as I came off the Seroquel (without medical advice) - a drug which I have classically hallucinated on in the past...

Oh well - nothing will come of wondering about this stuf in the short-term. I won't be playing with these meds until my private health insurance is up to date and I can admit to a private facility where the meds can be adjusted and the behaviour can be observed... and that will be at least 12 months...

Here's hoping that the coming 12 months are smoother than the last four!

RElief

Monday was completely characterised by relief.

Bel woke me at about 9am and I realised that for the first time in weeks I had slept a normal cycle - 11pm to 6am! I went back for some more snoozing after my typical early-morning dash to the loo, but after a couple of hours of dozing I was ready to get up at a human hour and take on the world's challenges - with energy! It was so relieving and refreshing to have found that sleep!

Then after discovering that Countrylink was only running buses, Bel re-iterated her offer to drive me to Moss Vale to meet my parents. It was such a relief to have her company for the trip. While I value my alone time - I have a tendency to want to process externally and with feedback - otherwise I am known to go round and round in circles - becoming entrenched in an idea and not seeing other options - and this season is not one for blocking out advice and perspective, in a decision to go it alone - not when I don't trust God enough to just listen and live. Even to just listen. Because lately what I am hearing is downright delusional - or maybe what I am hearing is truth but my interpretation of it is delusional? Or maybe it is truth and my delusional mind is adding? Probably all of the above because that is the thing about delusion - its pervasive - and it is so subtle. At first and even later, you don't realise unless you verbalise it (and even then) that it is completely cooky....

"I put some truth in every lie, just to tickle twitching ears"
Keith Green

Where does God's perfection end and my brokenness begin? How do I move through this and find healing so that all I have is God's perfection?

I don't know. But what I do know is that I am finally home.

To rest; to recuperate; to restore; to re-energise; and to renew.

How?

1. Health
2. Wisdom
3. Integrity
4. Simplicity

I need to curb these delusions and slow my mind down. With medication initially but hopefully without in the longer-term. But that will only come with time, therapy, wise counsel and trust - all things that I need a supportive home environment to rest in so that I can nurture this journey along in its own time.

And to that end, I want to come out and publically acknowledge and thank my parents. Some feel that my online struggles with my parents has meant that I don't respect them, don't love them and don't feel that they love me. Nothing could be farther from the truth on all three counts. I have had this horrible habit of using online forums to talk about other people in my life when really my blog should just be about me and my family and friends ONLY if they agree to it and only en-couched in language can only be read as non- accusatory. I am very quick to write and then post without going back through the blog to see if anything could actually be misread.

And so to that extent I am apologising. To mum. To dad. And to you the reader for leaving you with any impression other than that my mum and dad love me and have moved mountains for me and will continue to do so. In that same vein - I feel the same way about them. And that is the crux of all of the things I have struggled with lately with regards to my family.

MOVING ON...

There are ten things that I want to learn how to do on a regular basis:

1. Sleep
2. Walk
3. Knit
4. Read
5. Write
6. Listen
7. Play
8. Work
9. Study
10. Pray

I have found that I can do all quite effectively but that even pulling three off together on a daily, consistent basis for more than two weeks at a time seems to be impossible. Previously due to the depression and drugs and now more than ever because I consistently get myself into situations that have me hopping from foot to foot... It's no wonder than whenever stressful events have raised their ugly heads in my life recently, I have been careening down a path of greater insanity!

Each of these things listed above I need to feed my soul.

Sleep? It's kind of a "well-duh!" thing. And yet has always been extremely evasive for me because I feel that I think most clearly at 2am in the morning.

Walk? For years, medication and weight have shut me down so that just a simple walk around the block on a regular basis was difficult - in fact, almost impossible. Losing 20kg and rediscovering the joy of being active has re-ignited something in my soul that I don't ever want to lose again! I have discovered a great sense of self-worth as I have felt the freedom of a fully-functioning metabolism once again and I've also re-discovered a love of nature - gardens, birds, the gentle breeze, the warm sun. Maybe medication is going to be a reality again for me - and with that may come a slower metabolism - but I want to keep those energy levels up! I want to walk so that one day I can RUN along the beach chasing my kids. Oh what a day that would be!

Knit? Knitting busies my hands so that I can slow my mind down to think clearly and objectively because I am diverting alot of my mental energy into something physical - and its also a great way of achieving creative, practical, gift-oriented and tangible goals!

Read? In devouring My Sister's Keeper in little under a month, I not only have found a new favourite author but I opened my eyes once again to the beauty of the written form, the power of story-telling and the hermit-like bliss of literary escapism. For years I have escaped the world that I could not cope with by mentally shutting down and sleeping. And I have missed so much! But loosing myself in a good book? Oh wow! What I gain! And it is a far more socially acceptable habit reading a book on a train, rather than snoring my head off to the discomfort of my fellow travellers!

Write? Oh yes! The release of journaling, the joy of creating, the growth in reflection and introspection - need I say more?

Listening? I want to thank all of you who have let me bend your ears on very numerous occasions - but with all of the stress that has been going on in my life I have become painfully aware that I am all talk. I am not listening to anyone, even on the most basic of levels. Its all about me, me, me and that is hardly the way that it should be. So I have made up my mind to shut my mouth and listen... to my family, to my friends, to God (although that is still a little scary given the current context).

Play? That can mean any number of things - but to me it is intrinsically related to music - and for me personally - that means singing, listening to music and then singing some more. While ever there is an emotion to be shared there will be a song in my heart. I cannot deny that need for self-expression and communication any longer. What format that will take, I do not know. Maybe it is joining a choir, maybe it is writing some more, maybe its continuing to pursue my AmusTCL in voice or even my 6th grade piano, or buying that guitar I have been dreaming of? Go back to violin or clarinet? Some days it will probably just be listening to my ipod. But whatever the form I know that if there is no music in my life, my spark fades. So I will play!

Work? I will never be able to successfully be able to move out of home and support myself (or my kids in the possible future) if I cannot be consistent and hold down a regular job - and discovering that I can make a contribution to society is very empowering and inspiring as well! Whether it is music teaching, or going back to the library to process some more books for release into circulation, I really don't mind - but I am craving that need to contribute - and the pay wouldn't go astray either ;)

Study? I have an active, searching, intelligent mind - and putting it to good use makes good sense - far better than letting it run around in circles, majoring on the minor things in life. I am not sure at this stage exactly what study I will go into - maybe a BA to give me an excuse to read and explore literature that I may not otherwise consider challenging myself with! But whatever the study, I need to occupy this crazy brain of mine otherwise it will go stir-crazy!

Pray? Another "well duh Fi"? Maybe not so much. My spiritual journey has been very interesting lately. And my faith has taken quite a battering. I can't discern what is true and what is not. It is not so much that I doubt God, but I doubt myself. If I have ever had a spiritual gift over the years, it has been discernment - my gut is rarely wrong - my interpretation is often off, but my core feelings about a given situation/person/event are usually spot on. And yet lately I seem to have lost the iNtuitive in my INFJ - and without the N my Feeling has taken over! So while I struggle to rediscover that N, I need to protect myself by feeding my Introvert and by nurturing my Judging preferences. I NEED to come away from the world and pray regularly. Because faith is really an iNtuitive thing. Its the "I know that I know that I know" thing where you actively let go of the need to know more and just trust that knowing. The less Sensate you are, the more you tend to intrinsically trust and therefore the more that you exercise your iNtuitive preference. And while I am having trouble trusting, I have to remember that God IS bigger. Therefore I need to exercise my Thinking skills for a while. I need to pray, out loud (Extrovert) - regularly (Judging). Talking to God even if I don't trust myself in listening for the answers. Talking out loud so that I can in no way confuse what I am saying, with what God is saying. Accepting the word without Thinking and trying to interpret it. And just learning to live in that place of childlike faith.

"But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these."
Luke 18:16

Kids just trust. They don't question. If a four year old asks you why the sky is blue and you respond "because God made it that way", generally you won't get much argument. It is only when a child has no context to put that in (ie not being taught about God the creator) that they begin to ask questions.

But I have all the context in the world and still I doubt (I am becoming more of a Sensate that I ever imagined I would!). So for now - going back to one of my earlier "needs", I am just going to listen... and take it to those wiser than me for confirmation or denial.

But that doesn't take away my need to be obedient and pray.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
Philippians 4:6

I need to trust Him, even if I don't trust myself because at the end of the day, if there is something that He needs me to know, I won't just discern it - He will go out of His way to SHOW IT to me through the confirmation of others wiser than me and through the world around me.

And in confirming the iNtuitive discernment through Sensate proof, maybe therein I will find the balance and learn to trust myself and God again.

"I will do what you have asked. I will give you a wise and discerning heart."
1 Kings 3:12a

No idea what I am talking about?
Myers-Briggs Personality Types

And for interest's sake: I am an INFJ. What are you?


It has been a long, hard four months or so - but at the end of the day - at home in "God's country" :) (as Lee put it today) - after realising where I have been and where I am going and who I am - all I can do is breathe a huge sigh of relief!

TODAY:

I have slept!
I have walked!
I have knitted!
I have have read!
I have written!
I have listened!
I have played!
I have studied!
I have prayed!

9/10 ain't bad considering that I don't have work at the moment!

Look out world! A new chapter is beginning!