The Here and Now

One of the things that I have discovered that characterises schizophrenic-type thinking is an inability to live in the present - to always be living like the future is now and while I am not living in a delusion anymore - not making decisions and living like what I want in the future I can actually will into reality, I am also not living for now. The one thing that has consumed me for the past month, since coming home and going back on meds has been - "What will I do next year? TAFE or uni? Early childhood, nursing, midwifery, library studies, arts, ministry, literature, psychology, medicine?????

I have dreams that I would like to work towards, but the detailed planning that I have gone into for things I'd like to achieve 5, 10, 20 years down the track is absolutely mind-boggling. And then the path of academia that  have plotted for myself has most people exhausted just hearing about it. And this is what has consumed me for the past few months - moreso in the past month.

There are a few things however that I WOULD like to do for MYSELF: sing, read, write, work.

Singing? I will get onto it after the kids visit in July and I have a little bit of spare cash available to me for buying music etc. My AMus in Voice will probably be pushed until next year due to finances and time but that's OK. The Eisteddfod for next year - I missed the cut-off for this year - will be a great testing ground for that.

Reading? I need to make more of a priority in my life as I seek to learn more about life in general (and escape from life in general!!!)

Writing? Again, I need to make more of a commitment to this because maybe in all of the "possibilities" running around in my head, perhaps in crafting them into words of fiction and fact, they will leave my head alone!!!

Work? Well, I am signed up with Essential Personnel and I have another appointment next week -so we'll see what comes of that...

And of course, in working there is freedom financially. Once my debts are paid off, I can get my own place, get a car, get a piano..

So for now, I am going to deal with the here and now. The future can stay where it is. I know where my dreams are - I know how to get there - but unless the doors open up, I am not pushing anymore. I will walk away from academia for now and just deal with what's in front of me because if I can build a world that brings me a sense of accomplishment as I get into my car at the end of the working day so that I can go home to my own place to play my piano and sing - Yep. That's what I want