I don't know that I agree.
Yes, the last four months or so have been a rollercoaster and my responses to it have been a little loopy and unstable but so are my ways of coping with the world. The psychological term for it is maladaptive and the beauty of identifying maladaptive coping mechanisms and behavioural responses is that they can be corrected and more adaptive choices, decisions and responses can be learned.
Signing 24 month contracts for phones for each of the kids so that they could call me whenever they liked without first talking it over with Steve and then finding out once the contracts were signed that Steve would not allow the kids to have the phones.
Not maladaptive. But not well thought through
After missing several buses - causing me to take one day off work and being late for work on a second day, I borrowed money from a lender who charged a motza in interest and bought a bomb for $200 down from $600, thinking that I would do it up and have a reliable little car. After not heeding my mechanic-brother's advice, it subsequently died on me and needed more work put into it immediately that I had (in fact, I had to sell it to a scrap-metal place just to pay the towing bill).
Not maladaptive. But not all that smart either
I went to my GP with lump on my breast which he put down to mastitis and decided to check for poly-cystic ovarian syndrome... but it sparked in my head a concern for my children and caused me to question why I had decided to move to Canberra in the first place and not closer to my babies who were desperately missing their mum.
Not maladaptive on its own. But certainly emotionally driven.
Caleb and Hannah confiding in me certain things and based on my history with Steve panicking and removing them from what I believed to be a potentially dangerous situation.
Not maladaptive on its own. But certainly impulsive.
Finding myself stranded in Tamworth, having to advance half of my fortnightly Centrelink income to pay for the motel that I had taken the kids to and stayed in, and having to seek out accomodation which Lyn and Paul graciously offered me when I found myself in dire straights because I made financial committments based on a txt conversation I had with my client who then did not pay her account when she said she would.
Not maladaptive on its own. But certainly naieve
Finding out that I had racked up $2000 worth of calls between the four phones that I had in my possession whilst stranded in Tamworth for 10 days or so - and then having to agree to much higher phone plans in order to get Telstra to wipe the debt.
Not maladaptive on its own. But certainly financially daft.
Receiving a series of phone calls at 5am in the morning from a drunken, distressed woman calling my house to ask why her partner is cheating on her and becoming involved thinking that I had to somehow "rescue" her.
Not maladaptive on its own. But certainly making myself vulnerable.
Unwittingly becoming my flat-mate's counsellor because she needed a safe friend to talk things through with.
Not maladaptive on its own. But again making myself vulnerable.
There are so many things that have happened in the past four months (I can list more) that each, on its own, is no real biggie - but given that all of these things happened together in such a small space of time leave me wondering - is it really me that is unstable or is it that sometimes this is what life is...
Whether its my own chemical instability that is now being covered by these meds or whether I just need to learn how to financially manage my affairs, steer away from sole trading roles, wise up, plan my travel better, trust Steve more and set up better boundaries for myself (adaptive strategies) I really don't know - but I DO tend to lean towards the latter.
The delusions? They all stem from the Christmas/New Year period where I was hearing the "voice of God" as I came off the Seroquel (without medical advice) - a drug which I have classically hallucinated on in the past...
Oh well - nothing will come of wondering about this stuf in the short-term. I won't be playing with these meds until my private health insurance is up to date and I can admit to a private facility where the meds can be adjusted and the behaviour can be observed... and that will be at least 12 months...
Here's hoping that the coming 12 months are smoother than the last four!
Fi I think your thoughts here make total sense.
ReplyDeleteAnd think of your history - you have years and years of habit of behaving in particular ways - which haven't always been the best. It's incredibly hard to break habit and choose to be different.
meds or not - you CAN do all those other things (become those changes you list) and they will give you a more stable, happier life experience than you've been through in the last few months.
xx